GTFOH!

Let me preface this by saying I do not have any kids, despite always being surrounded by them. I have eight siblings who have produced my ten Gerber-baby-quality nieces and nephews (its obvious where I get my sex drive and my looks honestly). Maybe they like me because my ample breasts remind them of mother's milk. But for whatever reason, I'm always toting somebody else's cute kids around.

Men get hit on when they are walking around with cute kids: “Are these your kids?? All seven of them are cute-- even the lil Chinese one... you got some strong genes, sexy.” *facepalm*

Women-- we get ignored by any potential man who is not looking for drama (although some men will try to hit on a women in her third trimester “At least I know she putting out”. If you are approached by this man, you should do the running).

But women with cute kids, for some reason, are BOMBARDED with attention by the nosy white woman.

Allow me to paint a picture for you: It's a Saturday afternoon. It's hot. I'm cleaning the kitchen with the patio door open blasting T.I. while my nephew presses his face and hands against the screen door like a prisoner.

*enter white woman*

She sneaks up the sidewalk on what is clearly not public property anymore and starts talking to my 18 month old nephew.

“Hey lil fella-- you wanna come out and play?? Where's your mommie”

I'm in earshot. And at this point I'm thinking:

He's 18 months old-- he don't know what you're talking about-- knock on a door! Ring a bell-- something! Bitch, this is private property-- you, your roast beef lip liner and curly perm are lucky I don't own a gun! Stranger Danger!

Now back to our regularly scheduled blog rant.

*enter me in my usual morning uniform of boyshorts and a tank top. Hair wrapped. Pissed off look on my face*

“Can I--” as I pick up my nephew into my arms “Help you?”

She says in her annoying baby voice: “I was just walking by and I saw this cutie.”

And this is supposed to concern me how?

I don't even get a chance to contemplate an answer. Abandoning her excuse for first coming over here, she around me and sees the packing boxes. “You guys moving?”

I started to say: “Yea, to Charlotte the first of July.” But the words of my mom after my nosy elementary school teacher proceeded to tell my mom all the privy information I shared with our class about our family: “You don't have to tell everybody ALL your business. That's what THEY do; WE don't do that”

Back then, I didn't know who “us” and “them” were. But as this random lady spouts off at the mouth, I suddenly realize I am staring “them” dead in the face.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not prejudiced.

In fact--some of my best friends are nosy. *shrugz* But middle aged white women have an uncanny ability to bother me and my nephew at the most inopportune times.

Maybe it's the fact that he's so cute. Maybe because he's well dressed. Maybe yall think I'm exaggerating. But in the time it took me to get pissed off, think of this blog subject, put my nephew down, pick up my blackberry and BBM my fellow Incredulous Scribe about how much this lady is pissing me off, Rosy-the-Nosy-Neighbor has proceeded to tell me her WHOLE life story.

I am not Oprah. I do not enjoy making small talk with strangers nor do I get paid for it.

To me, a person with a kid conveys this: I'm sleep deprived. My life is not my own. I can recite “Elmo's Potty Time” DVD verbatim from beginning to end. GTF out my way so I can put this kid to sleep and MAYBE get a few seconds to myself.

A cute kid is no excuse or prerequisite for strangers to strike up a conversation with you; if anything its a reason for you to avoid eye contact and keep it moving before you end up as the lead story on the 6:00 news.

“A Michigan woman was found dead in the parking lot of an apartment complex. She appeared to be beaten with a diaper bag”